A few weeks ago I was riding home on the bus when someone threw a brick through the front windshield. It made a loud popping sound not unlike a bullet- for a moment no one was sure what had happened to send all the night's debris scurrying down the aisle. Luckily, no one was injured, but, sitting by a window, I had the distinct impression that my own skull was made out of glass. Now I know how the Visible Woman feels.
I've had this sensation before- standing at the edge of the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, walking home from the Loop the morning of the 9/11 attacks and sometimes on airplanes.
My first dramatic encounter with this sensation of extreme physical vulnerability occured during high school when I woke up in an ICU ward for head trauma patients. At some dim moment I noticed three people standing by the bed, the faces of my parents and best friend swam before me like scared goldfish as I was pushed beneath an opaque fog. I later noticed two objects occupying the hospital bed- a framed photo of my friend and a teddy bear dressed like Father Christmas. There was the aural memory of my dad's voice rising in alarm as someone instructed him to tilt my head to one side to prevent me from choking on my own puke, though now it's like it never happened. My sense memory is so detached from any physical discomfort.
I thought I must be dying. I wasn't supposed to be dying. I'd expected to wake up in a general recovery unit, before heading home with my parents, such was our routine, having by this time spent a couple of school holidays recuperating from procedures to correct a cleft palette and under bite. My dad was a doctor. I'd practically grown up in the small rural hospital where he worked. We ate lunch in the hospital cafeteria every Sunday, not the questionable substances found in larger medical facilities. Our hospital served fried chicken and homemade blueberry pie (to us anyway, not the patients). To this day I feel ridiculously at home in hospitals, though the cafeterias are generally a huge disappointment.
The next time I woke I was strong enough to gesture for a pen and a peace of paper to find out what was going on. My jaw was wired shut- that much was supposed to happen, and, as anticipated, I'd discovered I couldn't open my mouth.
My parents informed me that I'd received an emergency blood transfusion. I wasn't sure if I believed them, but I was still too drugged up to care. They said the doctor had "accidentally nicked" a blood vessel somewhere along my jaw line. Well, shit, I thought. But the exertion of being pissed off just made me want to go back to sleep.
During the pre- op exam, the surgeon had strived to convey what a stud he was at performing this particular procedure. In the process of boasting he had convinced himself to forgo the usual precaution of drawing blood from the patient prior to surgery. He'd also informed me that round faces are more attractive than long ones (such as my own). Not the bedside manner I'd been hoping for, but then most of my encounters with surgeons have elicited inappropriate comments. The way I feel about my disability is in many ways incompatible with their medical beliefs, for that is what they are, though a trained physician might scoff at the idea that her/ his practice is based on anything but scientific fact.
The next time I woke, the overhead lights of the ICU had been turned off. From somewhere beyond the bed a nurse told me I was going to be moved to a regular patient room. I could only turn my head slightly to take in the lifeless bodies in the surrounding beds, a sight that made me want to hasten my retreat any way I could. I tried to get the nurse's attention with a series of wild charades, hoping she would note the contrast of my kinesics to the inert forms of her other charges. Best not to confuse anyone. If I weren't dying, it was in my best interest to leave little room for ambiguity. Maybe I'd hallucinated the remark about moving to the general ward.
"Why don't you watch TV for awhile?" asked the nurse, impatiently plopping a remote in my hand.
I surfed around until I heard the disembodied voice of Alex Trebec, hosting an episode of Jeopardy. The first question, or answer, referred to the sequel to Gone with the Wind. Scarlet. That's easy, I thought. But the second clue sounded like the verbal equivalent of a fractal, a Tower of Babel showering me with abstract language that seemed to belong to some futuristic race of super humans, A new thought crossed my mind. What if I weren't dying but only brain damaged? I might not know all the answers to Jeopardy, but before that day, I could have at least understood the clues themselves. Suddenly petrified, I switched off the TV and attempted to do a cognitive assessment of my drug- washed brain.
When an attendant finally arrived to take me to my room, I realized that I'd fallen asleep yet again. So much for the mental exam. Still, sleep had become a reliable friend, for each time I woke I felt more like my usual self. My parents were waiting to welcome me to my new room but had to leave when Visiting Hours ended. After the constant fluorescent buzz of the ICU, I was happy to resume my 48 hour nap in a quiet single room. Each time, waking seemed to bring with it renewed strength and focus. It was late when bright hall lights streamed into the room and a man wearing scrubs entered. I recognized the eerily intense features of the attending physician. He'd attempted to proselytize to me as I was being prepared for anesthesia, offering to say a prayer. Giving someone the cold shoulder from the relative captivity of a hospital bed had proved a challenge but I'd managed it the first time around. He must have been present when I bled out during surgery; perhaps he thought I'd be more receptive to his Bible- thumping overtures following a brush with death. Asshole.
And what, you might ask, is a scared, sedated teenager with a wired jaw to do when a Jesus Freak masquerading as a doctor storms her hospital room in the middle of the night? Not much, though he's damn lucky I didn't have a loaded bed pan at my disposal. He proceeded to pray aloud over the bed while I pretended to be asleep, palpably repulsed and seething at this insane intrusion.
After all, I had not asked for this service and had no interest in reflecting on my mortality, having been spooked enough by my near near death experience without bringing God into the picture. I was quite certain that my spiritual beliefs bore no resemblance to his. I know many people find comfort in spiritual guidance in dire situations but my recent experiences had shown that Vikadin worked just as wel to restore inner peace.
The next morning I tried to convince my parents by way of furiously scribbled notes to have him fired or, at the very least, severely reprimanded. But because my story takes place in Alabama, everyone but me (that is, my parents and the nursing staff) thought it was "so nice" that an obvious lunatic had taken it upon himself to "pray with me" in the dead of night and I was in no condition to rat anyone out to Hospital Administration.
I later learned that I was given two units of blood to restore what I'd lost during surgery. My parents said the ICU nurses were glad to have me on the ward because they knew I was a temporary case. I would get well, in spite of the months of fatigue that would follow, exacerbated by the loss of blood and not being able to eat solid food. Back home, I drank protein shakes by the gallon. I pureed Christmas treats in the blender, spent hours lounging on the couch watching holiday movies, quietly nursing a fresh hatred of religious fanaticism.
It would seem that there are quite a few vampires lurking about in hospitals. Just before my jaw surgery a pretty young nurse attempted to convert me while drawing blood (now that's what I call multi- tasking! Ann Rice would love this). I thought it would ease her mind to mention that I'd already been baptized, but I think she was a bit miffed that she hadn't gotten to me first.
Teenagers are among the most vulnerable patients in that they are less likely to speak out or take legal action in cases of hospital negligence, discrimination or breaches of policy. As a person with disabilities, learning how to advocate for myself restored much of my fearlessness. I have an extra reason to get tested regularly, though its been over ten years since the events of this story took place. My ambivalence towards the medical community has not diminished, though I'm trying to learn to hate the sin and not the sinner.
Years later a friend of mine told me of being en route to an OR for open heart surgery following a heart attack when he was accosted by researchers fishing for clinical drug trial participants.
I can only hope that my late night visitor one day finds himself in a nursing home at the hands of a Wicken orderly, that she may guide his palsied hand to sign petitions supporting the Freedom of Choice of Conjoined Twin Polygamist Lesbian Atheists.
